I am not proud to say, but I admit that I have spiraled down and have become a failure at adulting. I don’t get that word. It’s like the standards have been set so high, that actually achieving that ‘title’ is a lot like winning a championship in any type of sport.
From where I’m from, there ain’t a lot of opportunities for those who are beyond 25 years old. The discrimination in age, physical appearance, and sexual orientation are in the extreme levels. Job ads here would demand applicants should be ‘with pleasing personality’, at least this tall and with extra impressive talent in selling yourself. Well, all that in exchange for a contract-based and (sadly, sometimes) a pay that’s below minimum rate. Sad? Yeah, it is.
Again, I have tried and sent applications to jobs which I’m qualified for… and none of the companies sent replies. At this point, I would even appreciate a notice of not getting an interview slot. Even just that. I am frustrated and I don’t think I’d want to do anymore of this… but then, a lot of horrible scenarios come into my mind… making me think again.
I am turning 31 this year and I am nowhere near achieving anything worth mentioning. I am at a standstill and pretty much without an idea of what to do next.
For the last couple of weeks, I have sent applications to not less than 15 local-based companies but haven’t heard from any one. Not a single phone call. This is disappointing. I don’t know what’s wrong or whether I missed anything or what? I may not have the most appealing resumé, but I think it’s not the worst out there. Or is it? Was it the font I used? Was it that terrible?
You see, from where I’m from, job qualifications can be outrageous. And employers quite discriminating.
True story: In 2015, I tried applying for an office post for a Japanese-owned English school. When I got there, I wasn’t even offered a seat. I was holding on to my resumé when the boss came up to me and said, I had to wear better clothes (like a skirt or dress) and wear makeup to look presentable. What the hell, woman? I wanted to punch her in the face.
Another true story: I went to an interview for a data analyst post and the questions were borderline comedy. ‘Do you have a passport?’ ‘Do you hold any visa to any country?’ ‘Which countries have you visited?’ ‘Are you the youngest child?’ And finishes our talk with ‘I don’t think you need a job.’ Needless to say, I walked out on her. What an asshat.
So, yeah. I love my little island (sun, humidity and all) but it definitely isn’t the best when you’re gay… and job hunting.
It is 2 in the morning and I haven’t slept. I am okay, though. Not suicidal, not even close to crying. Thanks, coffee. And I think I just figured out why most of my relationships didn’t work out. Why? Age difference.
A wild mind coupled with unstable emotions always equal to a clash of attitudes… raised to the power of endless argument and misery.
I cannot even begin to explain why I always end up with someone younger. When, clearly, I need someone from the higher age bracket. My mood swings are extreme, I’m stubborn and I make bad decisions. Dating a teen was a disaster in the making. A trip meant to spiral down. I know. It’s my fault.
About a week ago, I stumbled upon an FTM progress video. The video featured an update on emotional effects and noticeable physical changes after being on testosterone. Yes, I came across and watched a transition video; which, to my surprise, got me curious. I don’t know. With 80% of my batchmates in the nursing field, (and being gay) I cannot recall having a conversation about Transgenders. Let alone, testosterone shots. With that said, I apologize.
But here’s the good thing, while watching that video, (and a few more related clips) I felt happy. Genuinely. It’s nice to watch how they all looked so content; with the process, results, and even with how people reacted around them!
I’ve watched videos of monthly updates of being on testosterone, growing hair in every corner of their body (even a beard!), some have bad cases of acne (sad, but common, they say) and the progression of the voice. Just wow. There are people on T for a couple of years and are still documenting the journey. I’ve seen such amazing progress in almost all of them. And, I like how these videos enlighten me with ‘visible’ effects.
So, I took one hard look at myself and asked: would I want to go through that process? Am I unhappy with how I look now? Would I be happy to take my shirt off outdoors? Am I willing to take that risk?
Honestly, I can’t answer. But this I’m sure of – I’m happy for them. And hopeful for those who are attempting transition. Their tremendous amount of courage is inspiring!
Most of the people I know are now settled down, married, or working and living abroad. They say that when you reach 30, all the frustrations come out. You feel envious of other people’s lives or wish you had a more high paying job (or even a job!) All these things run through my mind more often now, and it scares me. Is this okay? Sometimes I get lost in my thoughts, and feel embarassed about myself.
Questions like ‘What have I done with my life?’, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ and ‘Am I even thinking about my future?’ are on my mind. On constant repeat. Honestly, I am at a standstill. I don’t know how to muster up the courage, look at the mirror and tell myself to ‘Get moving.’ I need to tell myself that. I need to learn how to face adult life and act accordingly. It is hard. But I will try. Should I fail, I guess I’ll have to work harder and try again.
Well, I haven’t been anywhere in the last couple of months and it sucks. It makes me sad, but this one’s on me. It was my decision to quit work, slack and not find new work. All decisions were mine.
On the brighter side, I’ve pretty much made good decisions. I got out of a miserable and selfish relationship. I quit work. I started to garden. I spent more time talking to my parents. And my sister and I (unbelievably so) are closer to each other.
I’ll look for a job. Soon. For now, the liberty to do anything, anytime makes me happy. It’s just fortunate that I do not have any responsibilities like a child, or a needy partner. I’m good.
A short and quick update! I am now a 2-week old unemployed human. Well, I’ve been catching up with my reading, spent hours rolling on the floor with my dog, got groceries thrice, went to eat greasy burgers and fries and bought a stand fan. It’s seriously humid now. It’s been raining a lot lately but it does not take away the humidity that envelopes the city where I’m from.
I’ve also gotten Internet connection. Thus, this post. Ha! I was going to look for more online work but Upwork is down and under maintenance. Maybe, later! I’ve also signed up for Jobbatical … only to realize that most jobs they have are for those with Java experience, sales, marketing, programmers and tech people. If you have experience on any of those, good for you!